Listen with care and learn well

Despite its centrality to professional success and personal fulfilment, listening is one of the most underrated aspects of effective communication. Dr. Ralph G. Nicols, who developed innovative classes on listening at the University of Minnesota, sheds light on our acquisition of poor listening skills: “It can be stated with practically no qualification that people in general do not know how to listen. They have ears that hear very well, but seldom have they acquired the necessary skills which would allow those ears to be used effectively for what is called listening”.

Although learning to be an effective listener is not an easy task, one can become a proficient listener by acquiring certain skills which go a long way to improve the quality of our listening.  Good listening involves mastering a cluster of skills, attending skills, following skills and reflecting skills. Attending is giving your physical attention to another person. Attending is non-verbal communication that indicates that you are paying careful attention to the person who is talking.

Attending skills include a posture of involvement, appropriate body motion, eye contact, and the creation of a non-distracting environment. Often we fail to comprehend what another person is saying because instead of ‘listening’ carefully we do most of the talking. Unfortunately, the average ‘listener’ interrupts and diverts the speaker by asking many questions or making many statements.

The ‘following’ skills that foster effective listening are ‘door openers’, ‘minimal encouragers’, ‘open questions’ and ‘attentive silence’. These skills enable the listener to keep the focus on the speaker’s communication.  A ‘door opener’ is a friendly invitation to talk. There are times when ‘door openers’ are not necessary. The speaker plunges right into his theme. Sometimes, however, you will sense that the other person wants to talk but needs encouragement.

At other times, the speaker will show the signs that he is unsure about continuing. A ‘door opener’ like this may help him proceed: “I am interested in hearing more about it”.

 ‘Minimal encouragers’ are words and phrases that aid the speaker to continue speaking. In the early stages of an interaction these words may be used more frequently to help the conversation gain momentum. The simple ‘mmhmm’ is probably the most frequently used of the minimal encouragers. That brief phrase can suggest “Please continue, I am listening and I understand”.

A skilled listener can communicate much empathy through voice and facial expressions even when only one or two words are said. To be a good listener one should also cultivate the art of questioning. But it should be kept in mind that questions should focus on the intent and concerns of the speaker instead of the listener’s orientation.

Another skill essential to good listening is the art of silent responsiveness. The silence of the listener gives the speaker time to think about what he is going to say and allows the speaker to proceed at his own pace.

Finally, the good listener responds reflectively to what the speaker is saying. Good listening involves the ability to respond reflectively. In a reflective response, the listener restates the feeling and/or  content of what the speaker has communicated and does so in a way that demonstrates understanding  and acceptance. There are four basic reflecting skills. Paraphrasing, reflecting feelings, reflecting meaning and summative reflections. Paraphrasing  focuses on the speaker’s content.

The reflection of feeling occurs when the listener concentrates on feeling words, infers feelings from the general content, ‘reads’ body language and asks, “How would I feel if I were doing and saying that?” And then mirrors the feeling back to the speaker. The combined reflection of feelings and the content is called the reflection of meaning.  Summative reflections are very condensed recaps of the most significant elements of a fairly long segment of conversation.

Clearly listening is not an innate talent or a God-given gift. Instead, it is a special skill that has to be acquired and can be honed through regular and systematic effort.

Learning the multiple skills listed above and integrating them into our day-to-day interactions will enhance our listening ability thereby leading to effective communication.