Despite its centrality to professional success and personal
fulfilment, listening is one of the most underrated aspects of effective
communication. Dr. Ralph G. Nicols, who developed innovative classes on
listening at the University of Minnesota, sheds light on our acquisition of
poor listening skills: “It can be stated with practically no qualification that
people in general do not know how to listen. They have ears that hear very
well, but seldom have they acquired the necessary skills which would allow
those ears to be used effectively for what is called listening”.
Although learning to be an effective listener is not an easy
task, one can become a proficient listener by acquiring certain skills which go
a long way to improve the quality of our listening. Good listening involves mastering a cluster
of skills, attending skills, following skills and reflecting skills. Attending
is giving your physical attention to another person. Attending is non-verbal
communication that indicates that you are paying careful attention to the
person who is talking.
Attending skills include a posture of involvement,
appropriate body motion, eye contact, and the creation of a non-distracting
environment. Often we fail to comprehend what another person is saying because
instead of ‘listening’ carefully we do most of the talking. Unfortunately, the
average ‘listener’ interrupts and diverts the speaker by asking many questions
or making many statements.
The ‘following’ skills that foster effective listening are
‘door openers’, ‘minimal encouragers’, ‘open questions’ and ‘attentive silence’.
These skills enable the listener to keep the focus on the speaker’s
communication. A ‘door opener’ is a
friendly invitation to talk. There are times when ‘door openers’ are not
necessary. The speaker plunges right into his theme. Sometimes, however, you
will sense that the other person wants to talk but needs encouragement.
At other times, the speaker will show the signs that he is unsure
about continuing. A ‘door opener’ like this may help him proceed: “I am
interested in hearing more about it”.
‘Minimal encouragers’
are words and phrases that aid the speaker to continue speaking. In the early
stages of an interaction these words may be used more frequently to help the
conversation gain momentum. The simple ‘mmhmm’ is probably the most frequently
used of the minimal encouragers. That brief phrase can suggest “Please continue,
I am listening and I understand”.
A skilled listener can communicate much empathy through
voice and facial expressions even when only one or two words are said. To be a good
listener one should also cultivate the art of questioning. But it should be
kept in mind that questions should focus on the intent and concerns of the
speaker instead of the listener’s orientation.
Another skill essential to good listening is the art of silent
responsiveness. The silence of the listener gives the speaker time to think
about what he is going to say and allows the speaker to proceed at his own pace.
Finally, the good listener responds reflectively to what the
speaker is saying. Good listening involves the ability to respond reflectively.
In a reflective response, the listener restates the feeling and/or content of what the speaker has communicated
and does so in a way that demonstrates understanding and acceptance. There are four basic reflecting
skills. Paraphrasing, reflecting feelings, reflecting meaning and summative
reflections. Paraphrasing focuses on the
speaker’s content.
The reflection of feeling occurs when the listener
concentrates on feeling words, infers feelings from the general content,
‘reads’ body language and asks, “How would I feel if I were doing and saying
that?” And then mirrors the feeling back to the speaker. The combined
reflection of feelings and the content is called the reflection of
meaning. Summative reflections are very condensed
recaps of the most significant elements of a fairly long segment of
conversation.
Clearly listening is not an innate talent or a God-given
gift. Instead, it is a special skill that has to be acquired and can be honed
through regular and systematic effort.
Learning the multiple skills listed above and integrating
them into our day-to-day interactions will enhance our listening ability
thereby leading to effective communication.
